Love Languages

Discussion today in the lunch room has gotten me thinking about relationships and how people show love to one another.

Today at lunch a friend was asking me if I had read a book by Dr. Gary Chapman called 'Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married' and in fact I had just picked that book up from the library last night and read about 1/2 of the book before bed.

In this book, the author talks about how many marriages turn sour because couples go into marriage thinking that everything will be a fairy tale and that there are many myths that people believe about marriage. Some example of the things that the author 'wished he had known' are:

• There are two stages of love
• How to solve disagreements without arguing
• That being in love is not an adequate foundation for a successful marriage
• That you are marrying into a family

I ended up skimming some chapters last night and reading others in their entirety. What I liked about the book is that it was very explicit to point out that all couples have differences in many areas. I also liked that the author reviewed the Five Love Languages which is the premise for his best selling book of the same title.

For those of you who are not familiar with Gary Chapman or his book 'The Five Love Languages', let me give you a reveiw. Dr. Chapman's main idea is that we all receive and give love in different ways. Generally how we give/show love to those around us is how we would want to be loved in return. There are 5 different 'languages' of love:

• Words of Affirmation - giving and receiving encouraging words or support
• Quality Time - spending time with those we love where we have their undivided attention
• Acts of Service - doing things for those we love, ei. doing the dishes, running errands etc.
• Physical Touch - pretty self explanitory, if you don't know... ask your partner
• Giving/Receiving Gifts - big or small surpise gifts to show you care

The idea is that each person has one or a combination of the above love languages. These love languages are how they give love and how they want to be loved in return. What is more important to know is that your spouse or significant other may or may not give and receive love in the same way and that misunderstanding your partner's love language is where many disagreements begin.

For example if your love language is physical touch, that is how you give love, by holding hands, brief touches on the shoulder, hugging, kissing etc. and this is also how you want to receive love as well. But if you spouse's love language is acts of service, he or she would give love by cooking dinner, taking out the garbage, doing the grocery shopping etc. and expect to be loved in this same way. This could cause problems for a couple because one person would not feel fulfilled or loved because the other is only doing things for them and not spending any time being affectionate, while the other would feel smothered with affection and wonder why their spouse is so lazy and not helping out.

Today at lunch it was all women sitting around the table and more than a few of us mentioned that it really helped us to understand our men better and that sometimes it's hard to remember that the man in our life does not operate in the exact same way as we do.

So I was inspired to take the love languages quiz myself this afternoon and these were my results: (the higher the number beside the love language, the more important it is to me)

• 9 - Words of Affirmation
• 11 - Quality Time
• 2 - Receiving Gifts
• 5 - Acts of Service
• 3 - Physical Touch

I have to admit that I was not surprised that my top love language was quality time. I know that one on one time with Andrew is very important to me and I know that I begin to feel low when we get too busy and don't get it.

I also wasn't surprised that my secondary love language was words of affirmation. I don't know if it is just part of being a woman or what, but sometimes I just need to be told that I am doing a good job or that I look good. I find that I cling to those affirmations on bad days and that a kind word of encouragement can change my day from bad to good in a matter of seconds.

I was suprised that acts of service came in third, above physical tough and receiving gifts. I don't know why I was though, because I find that I am always thinking of ways that I can help Andrew out by cleaning up or bringing him food etc, and sometimes I get frustrated when I don't get this reciprocated as often as I would like.

I am all about being self-aware and prepared for marriage. I hope that I can convince Andrew to take this quiz so that we can compare our answers.

In the meantime, I think that knowing your own love language is a first step in the right direction and also can bring you enough grace to deal with strangers, coworkers, family members and even spouses that are built a little (or a lot) differently than you.

Check out Gary Chapman and all of his books here (http://www.garychapman.org/). You can even take the 'Five Love Languages' Assessment online.

Just something to chew on for a sunny Thursday!

- C