So, seeing that Andrew and I are getting married in less than 6 months, I have been in 'get in shape' mode since the New Year came around. I have been getting up early 2-3 times a week to go the gym before work (something I thought I would never do, but I am actually really enjoying) and have been trying to cut out some of my bad eating habits and attempting to pick up some healthier new habits.
I saw a little bit of success on the scale and in the fit of my clothes, and it was enough momentum to keep me going for a little while, but now I am feeling anything but encouraged. You see, I have a secret to share with you. Something that drives me crazy about myself and something that I wish were different about me...
I enjoy eating way too much.
I find that I spend a lot of time thinking about the good food I will be, could be or shouldn't be eating. I drive by McDonald's and sometimes the urge to pull in and get an order french fries is really strong. I think about brownies a lot. I have a love affair with peanut butter. I even keep a jar in my desk drawer. I find that when I get a craving for something, I cannot rest until I get it. And usually it's not just a taste that satisfies. I have a hard time sitting at a table or a social gathering where there are desserts around. I find my mind and eyes wandering back to those delicious sweets constantly, and I wonder if I am the only one who the food has under mind control.
I find this very embarrassing. I beat myself up about my lack of self control. I have the urge to go to the gym as soon as I swallow a food I know I shouldn't have. I sometimes wish I could have an eating do-over and rewind to the point where I made the bad food decision and undo it. I resolve every day to be better and then I find myself giving in to that piece of cake, that donut, the bowl of candies, the plate of pasta. I feel like this battle isn't just physical but psychological too.
That is my confession. There it's out in the open. It's not a secret anymore. I don't know how I feel about that.
I am a small person, standing only 5 feet tall. I have not been slim my whole life. I was never the smallest girl in my class, just average. When I hit high school and discovered the cafeteria served cookies for breakfast and panzerotti for lunch, my body began to get a bit larger. I remember a time that I couldn't go a whole week without eating McDonald's. I think I likely ate there at least twice a week, but more than likely more. I was not physically active at all, unless you count the one semester of gym class we had to take in grade nine. I remember thinking that the possibility of ever getting healthy and losing weight was impossible. I just was one of those people that couldn't do it.
But then, in 2007, I talked myself into joining the gym and I changed a lot of my eating habits. I began reading up on what a healthy lifestyle is, I began to educate myself and it fueled me to keep going. I changed the way I lived my life in little ways and I saw results. I lost 30 pounds and I felt great. Since then I have pretty much maintained my weight loss to within about 10 pounds with some fluctuation here and there. But the problem is that I have become lazy. I have maintained some of my healthy life changes, such as keeping a routine of going to the gym and cutting out cream in my coffee, but I have allowed myself to be more lenient in my diet, and in turn, it has become very difficult to say no to foods that I love but that I know are not good for me.
I still read health magazines all the time and I always check the calories on food that I buy and consume. I always am on the look out for a new healthy, tasty recipe to try, or a way to work a new good habit into my life. But the problem is, I still struggle. I need to really get myself in gear and get face this issue head on or else it's not going to get any better.
Andrew and I both want to look good on our wedding day. Not that either of us need to lose outrageous amounts of weight or that we need to drastically change our lives to achieve an unattainable result. But I know that I want to look at my wedding photos and be happy with what I see. I DO plan on hanging those pictures on the wall. It's the most important day of my life after all.
So now I plan to work my way there. I hope to work on changing the way that I think about, look at and consume food. I know it's one step at a time. And I think the first step was letting the cat out of the bag and admitting that I love bad food. Now I can move on, stop being embarrassed and start trying to change it.
Does anyone else struggle with food the way I do? What types of changes did you make in your life to live healthier? Do you have any tips to share? Please comment below. I would LOVE to hear from you!
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