The Cat Is Out Of The Bag - My Secret

So, seeing that Andrew and I are getting married in less than 6 months, I have been in 'get in shape' mode since the New Year came around. I have been getting up early 2-3 times a week to go the gym before work (something I thought I would never do, but I am actually really enjoying) and have been trying to cut out some of my bad eating habits and attempting to pick up some healthier new habits.

I saw a little bit of success on the scale and in the fit of my clothes, and it was enough momentum to keep me going for a little while, but now I am feeling anything but encouraged. You see, I have a secret to share with you. Something that drives me crazy about myself and something that I wish were different about me...

I enjoy eating way too much.

I find that I spend a lot of time thinking about the good food I will be, could be or shouldn't be eating. I drive by McDonald's and sometimes the urge to pull in and get an order french fries is really strong. I think about brownies a lot. I have a love affair with peanut butter. I even keep a jar in my desk drawer. I find that when I get a craving for something, I cannot rest until I get it. And usually it's not just a taste that satisfies. I have a hard time sitting at a table or a social gathering where there are desserts around. I find my mind and eyes wandering back to those delicious sweets constantly, and I wonder if I am the only one who the food has under mind control.

I find this very embarrassing. I beat myself up about my lack of self control. I have the urge to go to the gym as soon as I swallow a food I know I shouldn't have. I sometimes wish I could have an eating do-over and rewind to the point where I made the bad food decision and undo it. I resolve every day to be better and then I find myself giving in to that piece of cake, that donut, the bowl of candies, the plate of pasta. I feel like this battle isn't just physical but psychological too.

That is my confession. There it's out in the open. It's not a secret anymore. I don't know how I feel about that.

I am a small person, standing only 5 feet tall. I have not been slim my whole life. I was never the smallest girl in my class, just average. When I hit high school and discovered the cafeteria served cookies for breakfast and panzerotti for lunch, my body began to get a bit larger. I remember a time that I couldn't go a whole week without eating McDonald's. I think I likely ate there at least twice a week, but more than likely more. I was not physically active at all, unless you count the one semester of gym class we had to take in grade nine. I remember thinking that the possibility of ever getting healthy and losing weight was impossible. I just was one of those people that couldn't do it.

But then, in 2007, I talked myself into joining the gym and I changed a lot of my eating habits. I began reading up on what a healthy lifestyle is, I began to educate myself and it fueled me to keep going. I changed the way I lived my life in little ways and I saw results. I lost 30 pounds and I felt great. Since then I have pretty much maintained my weight loss to within about 10 pounds with some fluctuation here and there. But the problem is that I have become lazy. I have maintained some of my healthy life changes, such as keeping a routine of going to the gym and cutting out cream in my coffee, but I have allowed myself to be more lenient in my diet, and in turn, it has become very difficult to say no to foods that I love but that I know are not good for me.

I still read health magazines all the time and I always check the calories on food that I buy and consume. I always am on the look out for a new healthy, tasty recipe to try, or a way to work a new good habit into my life. But the problem is, I still struggle. I need to really get myself in gear and get face this issue head on or else it's not going to get any better.

Andrew and I both want to look good on our wedding day. Not that either of us need to lose outrageous amounts of weight or that we need to drastically change our lives to achieve an unattainable result. But I know that I want to look at my wedding photos and be happy with what I see. I DO plan on hanging those pictures on the wall. It's the most important day of my life after all.

So now I plan to work my way there. I hope to work on changing the way that I think about, look at and consume food. I know it's one step at a time. And I think the first step was letting the cat out of the bag and admitting that I love bad food. Now I can move on, stop being embarrassed and start trying to change it.

Does anyone else struggle with food the way I do? What types of changes did you make in your life to live healthier? Do you have any tips to share? Please comment below. I would LOVE to hear from you!

Caught Up

Happy Wednesday to all my readers!

I was excited to see that yesterday my blog had 19 pageviews, the highest day yet! Should I blog more about wedding stuff or what? ;)

Andrew and I went to the mall last night to get him a new cell phone because his died. How convenient. So he ended up getting a sweet Windows Phone and it really has the latest technology. And then we had some time to kill so I tried on some shoes (I am looking for some sweet heels to wear with my wedding dress. No luck, but it was still fun to look!) and we started looking at wedding bands for him (this is practical because you can't have a wedding without rings, right?) and of course the men's bands are by all the other shiny diamonds that only women would like. After looking in a few shops we had to head out and I just mentioned to Andrew about how nice it would be to have money set aside with no purpose but to just spend it frivolously on what we want. I think going to the mall reminded me of how I sometimes I struggle with not having everything I want or that I see others have. It would almost be easy to get depressed about it.

But as we talked, I realized that I was getting caught up in things that really do not matter. I was almost caught up in the lie that my life wasn't as great as everyone elses because I didn't have all of the cool gadgets or clothes or plans to go to neat places. It would be so easy to allow my self-worth to get wrapped up in how much money I have, what car I drive, how good I look etc.

But there's nothing like a little perspective to kick you in the butt and remind you how ridiculous you are being.

I was driving to work today and a song came on the radio that left me a little teary eyed. (This has happened a lot lately... I wonder if I am just more emotional in the morning or if it's because I listen to sappy country music in the mornings?). The song 'The Breath you Take' by George Strait (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bHodOymqfss) really hit me between the eyes. The song talks about how life isn't about trying to win the rat race of life but about those special moments in life that really matter, like spending time with the ones you love or being there when your grandson is born.

It was from listening to this song that I realized how incredibly rich I truly am in this life. I have a great job to go to everyday with amazing coworkers, I live in a country where freedom is the norm, I have food in the cupboard, I have an amazingly supportive family who I know I can call on at anytime, I have a fiance who loves me and dotes on me all the time, I have a bright future ahead of me and I have a God who loves me and has my best interests at heart. This list makes me feel ashamed for ever feeling sorry for myself because I don't have the newest or latest gadget or amazing plans for this coming weekend.

I was having a bad day a few weeks back and so in an effort to bring myself back to reality I made a list of everything I am thankful for on my whiteboard here in the office. I have left this list up to constantly remind me for those moments when I get caught up in unimportant things again.

Am I the only one who feels like this from time to time? How do you deal with this feeling? What are you all thankful for? I would love to hear your feedback! Comment below!

Just some food for thought on a snowy day!

- C

Living in the Land of Weddings!

Andrew and I are getting married this summer. We are both very excited for our big day and to begin married life together. We have spent so many hours dreaming of our future together and what we might do or where we might live and such. Dreaming is the fun part, but sometimes it's easy to forget that you have to put a lot of work into one day (your wedding) before you get a chance to reach for those dreams!

One of the main things that surprises me about the reality of planning a wedding is that what I have decided on is really A LOT different than what I have been dreaming about for my wedding since I was a little girl. I think it's because every little girls idealizes their wedding day in their mind and then one day, when those 4 magic words come out of your man's mouth ('Will you marry me?' in case you couldn't figure out what I am talking about) reality sets in. And reality has a way of reminding you that the dress that you imagined yourself walking down the aisle costs way more than you thought or that dress does not look as good on you as you thought it would. Not that I am saying that the bride or groom needs to settle for less than what they want for their wedding, but just that reality sometimes has a way of changing your thinking. Rather than having flowers EVERYWHERE at your wedding, sometimes the idea of simple decor really begins to sound better and better when you realize what you dreamed sometimes isn't practical.

Besides the reality check, wedding planning has been mostly fun to this point and I look forward to things coming together more and more. I have to admit that not having my friends and family close by makes things difficult. I have found that I am doing a lot of planning on my own or with just Andrew and I. Despite that disappointment, being involved in the planning of our wedding is really exciting for me.

I think right now I am enjoying the fun things, pick our dresses, taste testing food, finding invitations, thinking about flowers and centrepieces, looking at wedding bands and the list goes on and on. I find myself scouring the internet for wedding blogs, advice and ideas. I find that I think about my wedding when I go to sleep at night and when I am in the shower. I find myself zoning out in the middle of conversations or in the middle of the work day to go and visit the Land of Weddings in my head!

Sometimes I have a hard time making decisions because I spend so much time in the Land of Weddings. For example, Andrew and I looked at over a hundred invitation samples together (not to mention the thousands that I looked at online in the last few months that he doesn't know about) and every time we would settle on an invitation I would change my mind and look for something else. I think it was after the 3rd time that I changed my mind that Andrew finally gave up and told me just to pick something.

I always told myself I would be a sensible bride and that I wouldn't let planning my wedding take over my life, which thankfully I have been able to keep at bay until this point, but no one warned me that along with a ring on my finger, engagement would mean that Bride Brain would set in. I find myself forgetting things more than usual, I find I lose my train of thought often, I get really opinionated about things that I never thought I would be opinionated about and that my excitement for our wedding would so overwhelm me. Some days I feel like our engagement is like being pregnant and just like a mother who is full term, I want to have the wedding here already!

Can you tell I am excited?

Another thing about planning weddings about which I WAS warned was everyone having an opinion on what you should or shouldn't do for your wedding. I swear I have never had so many people give me advice on anything in my life. Everyone has great ideas and tries to be so helpful. I never thought I would be concerned about making other people happy, but I find that I really do want to keep family and friends (whom I love very much and are very important to me)involved and happy. I have also discovered that this desire has a down fall because as with all areas of life, I cannot keep everyone happy all the time. So I am living in this constant flux of trying to plan a great wedding day that reflects both what Andrew and I want our day to be, but also to keep friends and family in the loop, involved and help them to know that I do value their opinions even if we don't decide to do what they suggest.

All in all, I have to admit that planning our wedding has been full of surprises. Some good, some not so good, but at the end of the day, I find joy in looking forward to the future and knowing that no matter what happens on the day that Andrew and I are married, that I am the luckiest girl in the world to be marrying Andrew and that I look forward to many, many years and adventures together as a couple.

Now THAT is something to be excited about!

- C